JUST STAND THERE BRAMBLE

mm, this is just one of those things where im thinking thinking thinking it and id rather be typing it. do you know how ridiculous it is to watch 16 full episodes of a korean drama and begin to dictate your life by it? as if the writer had all the answers. as if one-liners made so much sense that they should be able to help you make some of the most serious decisions of your life. as iffff your life's some wonderful movie. i wouldnt pay 9 bucks to watch mine. not even 6, or whatever matinee is. not even a dollar. except it's constantly playin in my mind. for free. several showings a day...but the worst scenes come at night. like the projector guy blurs all the cool moments but seems to focus on the ones id rather not dwell on. or he leaves altogether and its stuck looping cause he forgets to make the edges of the current reel and the next reel stick. stuff like that, you know? but my life's no movie. no, not a worthwhile one. not even a series. not even a mere 16 episodes.

"EBEN I HAB STANDARDS" said the busboy. well, i've got them too. so you think youre so hard to get through? there are so many people who arent even an option. you know im almost religious about moisturizing and sun-damage? anything that causes premature aging is a concern of mine. like what if i wake up one day realizing that im grown and wrinkled and single and sad and sad and sad and single and grown, and these 3 words have suddenly become synonyms. and boys and men and friends are antonyms because we're all too old to be rolling the way we do, going on vacations and what-not. you think you're peter pan? well it's worse to be a cynic. hm, he'll be a friend, you know. a close one with the best sense of humor. and kind, too. not necessarily handsome, but the best in my eyes. have your eyes rolled to the back of your head, yet? (please note that these are all secondary qualities to the prerequisites we've already discussed; just cause, a friend of mine would not hate what i love, or love what i hate)

haha well we should reallyreallyreallyreally be careful of the unrealities. as ifffff a millionaire is going to love your chubby butt and soft cheeks and sharp tongue. as if ! it happens, but it doesnt really happen, ok? because ive learned its so much harder than sweet-smelling flowers and cheeky love songs. its even harder than home-made cards containing stick-figured characters reminiscent of old inside jokes or clever lines. and that's a guarantee. like i've heard that sometimes youre fighting and there nowhere to go. you cant storm out like they do in the movies cause there's nowhere to run. or maybe you cant drive or the car is being serviced or something and if you storm out of the house you'll look so stupid cause where are you going to walk? to the park? next door? so you go into the bathroom instead but that's dumb cause you're probably on the 2nd floor and you cant fit in that little window in there. so youre sitting next to a bathroom scale, and great, you've just remembered that youve lost the figure you once attained after trying to fit into your perfect wedding dress/gown. and youre crying on the tile floor youve cleaned religiously having tried so hard to pass the time. and maybe you have a cell phone but you've got no one to call. this kind of stuff happens, you know... and you must know that there IS someone at fault; because obviously someone's not following principle. and what if you want to bust out the book to show them? you want to bust it out and beat them over the head with it. but you're not following it either, so do your words have any weight? no. no they dont. youre better off beating them with a feather. you dont get it. you probably dont.
but i do.

did you know that guys feed their egos or something and something else and blahblah. well, all a woman ever wants is understanding. i think i heard a story about a girl that once got the worst haircut in her life. well, she didnt want compliments, cause these are see-through and are all lies. neither did she want sympathy, because if im crying and youre crying then we're both crying and what good does that do? or is that empathy? well neither help in such a situation. wait. maybe empathy. isnt empathy the same as understanding? well if youre crying with her for the sake of crying then youre a fool, and why is she with you? no, it's understanding that she needs. you understand that this is the worst haircut in all creation and that you should put things in perspective, but do it nicely. "hair grows and we grow and there are second chances for hair." we know this, but say it anyway, ok ? but also understand that you shouldnt say things like, "well, to be honest, it does kinda suck"...because we know alreadyyyy. and we hate lies, but be tactful. and no girl knows why, but they need reassurance. reassurance of almost everything. and pre-relationship, i bet every girl will deny this little fact. like, 'haha i could care less if you told me i was more special than hot noodles...' but i bet you later on that you'll bite your tongue for ever saying something so stupid. you couldnt care more. she couldnt care more. i couldnt care more. because it matters.

ack there are standards and then there are s t a n d a r d s. some are real, on this list i keep sealed deep down in my abs of steel (TKAHAHAKAHA). others are strokes on a painting ill put up but burn later. the strokes dont matter, but as a cohesive piece of art, it's nice to stare at for hours. so maybe you think i'll be so foolish when choosing, letting things slide and falling like a dumb-by in stilletos. well, i havent been. past failures were because i was a failure, ok? but both failures mattered a lot, and continue to matter in a weird way.

there are changes to be made. sosososo many. i tried hard to do them with words, but saying im going to punch you in the throat doesnt mean as much as me actually doing it. one will make you laugh. the other might have you on the ground, gasping for air. well ive thrown my words around, but i like to think now that im throwing actual punches. i want you to see that i hate who i was. that i think about things constantly; in fact, there's a 3 o'clock showing...another at 6...then 9...... and so on and so forth (yes, 3-hour increments, cause this one's an EPIC). but it's mostly to compare and contrast. we all need to see where we need to improve. i'd like to be an example. to show you that this is real and there's good happening, and that i'd like you to be there too. you dont understand that way i'd like you to, but maybe if i try hard enough, you will. and if you dont, then i'm also spending this time preparing myself for that. like i said, some things remain the same.

have you ever worn a ring for...forever? or had a necklace with a pendant that you constantly messed with? maybe you thumbed the ring, twisting and adjusting it out of habit. or you held on the pendant and dragged it across its chain, feeling the slight resistence of each ridge. then you take the ring or necklace or what have you off. and you find yourself thumbing an empty finger. or the stark drop of your hand as its weight falls from having nothing to hold. but you'd still like to feel the metal. and you'd like to feel the familiar ridges again. as for me, i've never worn a ring. and the most ive ever done to a necklace with a pendant was put it across my face and stretch my neck to make its chain taut. but the closest thing ive felt to this would be the glasses that would fal on my face. six years since ive made the transition to contacts and i still find myself trying to find the edges to lift them from falling down the bridge of my nose. as if i have to constantly remind my brain that it's not there. is it not cognizant of its absence? all these years and it's still defeated by routine.

i never want that to be me.

but sometimes i find myself missing what i shouldnt, even after having accepted that it's not there. crying over memories that should have no power. or laughing over things that weren't that funny to begin with. stuff like rolling up a million roses, or flash drives. delay pedals and little lemon. "after all's" and "it is 2007". but mostly fights that were a big waste of time. it's not that i ever want to forget. just that i'd rather not feel this way while remembering. sometimes we make things more painful than they have to be. and most of the time it's a yo-yo of emotions. but if you let something like your heart guide you, it's like holding your hands behind your back and jumping into the sea, trying to stay afloat. such a false sense of companionship--you feel your hand holding another, but you're really alone. not only that, but you're sinking; doing it with a smile.
i wanted to do so much. be so much.
just like they did in the movies.
but did you know that all they're doing is sinking gracefully?