in one word,

humbling.

that's really how i'd have to describe my first day back to a job i once told myself i'd never return to. haha, the way i quit bravo twice and returned again, no questions asked. it seems i'm always, some how, some way, taken care of when it comes to employment. these jobs seriously just fall into my lap, and after long times considering the pros and cons and the 2-hour "am i being reasonable? practical?" bit that i play in my head, things always work out the way they should. and i may be a bit embarrassed to work there, but hey, if you can take care of old people or pick strawberries or something or other or something all just to put food on the table, then OKAY YOU SHOULD.

so after the THREE BUNGCAYAO-CAR WOES, my sisters and i made an agreement that we've riden the gravy train long enough. and this is where it ends, this is where the car stalls, windows shut. where the A/C blows hot air, between the corner of, "You're grown-axe women with jobs" and "You know you can do more to take the load off of your p-rants."

so we have, in our own ways. and there were REAL TEARS and REAL ANXIETY over everything happening... things broke down in rapid succession and you know that feeling?


you know, the one where you're drowning.
arms and legs flailing.
you're stuck between breathing deep to keep calm and holding your breath to keep alive.
a full stomach from all the water you've taken in
and eyes stinging from everything you've seen.

well, nothing's gotten better yet, we're all still in the same position,
but we breathe real air, real easy,
just knowing that resolution is near.

there's something a bit eery and unsettling in the unknown. but it's when you see His hand in your life that your faith is strengthened.
but if you're going through all of this added tribulation,
you know you must be doing something right.

Well anyway, i picked up an opening shifts to that aforementioned job that i could have sworn i was completely over (i was so serious about not returning that i turned my uniform into rags).

and with these two jobs together, is really like only having one almost full-time job.
and i pray that this time it will be different.
and this time it feels different.
i just have crossed toes hoping that i continue to see this as a means to an end.

last night i went to sleep at 12, tossing and turning over how awful i'd be,
woke at 3:00, to be there by 3:45.
and i was okay. and i dont love this as much as i did before.
and it was almost fun. and i dont care about this as much as before.

i know my body's confused, and with the naps taken, or even moments taken for myself with eyes open, i've rested maybe for a time totaling around 5 hours? yeah, 5 hours.
but i'm alright LOLOLOLOL.

i just know i'm probably gonna get uber-fat from lack of sleep.
OH BUT I GET FREE COFFEE GUYS, FREE COFFEE.
FREE COFFEE, FREE FOOD, GUYS.
(His servants are always well taken care of.)


OH WHAT? YOU WANNA SEE MY BLACK HAIR? LMAO
OH OKAY LOLOLOLOLOL. :( ?


shhh, it's our secret.