tahd.
im really tired.
ridiculously tired, i tell you. everyday. in ways i couldnt begin to innumerate.
tired of days, of circumstances (the bad kind). of schedules, of responsibility.
but not of people. never of people.
(except those who insinuate. those who belittle. the condescending ones that take away your dignity and mess with your sunshine. the ones that make the tired days especially difficult. the ones who test your patience and taunt your self-control)
-- but even in such situations, it's still the circumstances that stress me, and not so much the person behind it.
these past two weeks feel FIFTY DAYS LONG,
with events that can only be described as life-changing. and friends and family that can only be described as unmoving. but if you havent lived it and if you havent seen it, then these words are just words, and im afraid that you'll never quite understand.
but sometimes the feelings you hold tightly in your fist, and the inward battles you fight and swallow daily show themselves much larger than your day's alotted strength. so you break down a little, growing in knowledge that things are going to get much worse before they get any better. so your veins may grow in size, an outward showing of the extra amount of energy you're giving. energy from a source you think is steadily being depleted. except it never does, and this is where "beyond what is normal" takes on real meaning. because your life-source and gas tank are on a constant E, and miles are counted by ounces, but you're afraid of how the walk anywhere left with your thoughts will prove to be an aid to adding to the anxiety.
then there are some days when you dont want a hug or a shoulder to cry--you'd rather have empathy be far far away from you. you scoff at the thought that anyone else could possibly understand. and you'd rather lay there, blanketed in your own self-pity, allowing what needs to escape to finally take leave. and you cry and wail and cry some more. and you make noises so awkward, able to call all birds of the land. and your dog looks up at you like you've lost it. and for that brief moment, you have.
it pains me, but these days exist. i can't stand to let my Clark Kent show.
why is it easier to be stronger for everyone else but yourself?
anyway, these are my feelings in words. but they're barely my words. and are only half my emotions. it's just my effort at grasping at an understanding.
in other news,
set-up:
-roger acting contrary to his whole schpleel about how it doesnt matter how things look...-
uhh, these are just pics of the "GUY TABLE"-- they flocked together and ate more than they probably would had the table been interspersed with some women... HAHA jk.
the night was also filled with thought-out bible games that were... HAHAHAHA-LARIOUS!
pictionary, scattegories, flag--ehr, book-remembering games...
and the best (OH, AM I BIASED? YES.)-- our DRAMA SCENE GAME!
now, this was the first time it was ever done by us, and hazel and i were pretty genius, i must say. and our rules were very confusing, so we had to kill the application part and leave it to using random props to re-enact bible scenes. after 2 minutes left with a pile of junk, the dividers were pulled back to reveal each group's scene. hahahahhaahhaa, my heart grew eight sizes, it did! things were better than imagined, and groups fully utilized their 30-second house-roaming time to grab some hilarious props. anyway, here were some of the scenes--
group 1.
group 2.
group 4.
uggh! IF YOU NOTIIIIICED,
im missing group 3. i'll wait to post that because desiree's supposed to send me her recording of theirs. obviously, it's not my fault because i was the game coordinator....
haha, i hope this game makes the dias' proud!
ALRIGHT HOLLAR.
