"we are truly blessed"

except that's usually said a lot more cheesier, making for an ongoing joke, or an everlasting punch-line if you will. if i may. if you may. "IF YOU MAY" HAHAHA

anyway, i wish i had a fitting picture for this blog. one of those cute professional-looking ones with all of our smiling faces, but none of such exist. this is probably just one of those weeks for me,
but with mahina gone i had some time to tidy up my room (PICTURESTOCOME), sew some pants in my own urban renewal-type project (PICTURESTOCOME), and see/find/realize the inner peter-pan in me.
the part that's suddenly cringing at the fact that we're all going to grow up.

cause i've seen it. a little of it was tonight. i've always acted about 3-4 years above my age, but that was my bit, y'know? my gimmick. hm, yeah the extreme 3/4± (is that a plus/minus sign?) years. but i look around the table and see that everyone's catching up. acting their own age, and maturing at an incredible rate. when did we all get so busy? with jobs and lives and money and bills and licenses and schedules and blackberries? i was too busy with my own lot that i almost failed to look up and realize that by keeping up with everything, the time really has been sped up.

and i have. and it has. and we have. and this has. and this sucks a lot, you know?

and i see that my greatest fallacy was always wanting to be older than i was. like just 5 hours ago i was planning my entire pretend marriage to some guy, and now im planning my entire pretend break-up speech about how it's too soon to be dating. [ALL JOKING, OKAY?] mostly because im like, the 2nd/3rd youngest and the 2nd/3rd most mature or 1st/2nd most immature at times. kind of middle, ya git? well i've written about this before, but im going to expound on how much it hurts to think that sometime soon the older ones among us will be looking at those of the opposite sex with hearts in their eyes, thinking that girls are moon-goddesses and other things that currently make me wanna barf. and no matter how many slaps or dunks of water on their head, theyre eventually going to pursue it. and there will be fights and disagreements because maybe among us we're always going to pretend like no one is good enough (even though the reasonable part of us knows that's not true). but eventually, if marriage doesnt take each friend away, then it will be time and age. just because, we know very well that this will get to the point where we will be too old to do what we do. late nights of taboo or pictionary or trips to the outer island to attend below-par garage parties.

so it hurts and it sucks and i hate it cause it's not proper and im dreading it and...

i

actually

teared.


the way heen did once on the way to samba. why does anything have to change?
and that stupid immature part of me is pissed that i actually DO want to get married. and ill be one of those boring old married couples that go to dinner with other married couples, bringing a cardigan everywhere i go and wrapping jackets around my waste.

JUST KIDDING.

but i think of that and then contrast it to the youth we enjoy now. it's true that singleness is a gift, but as hazel brought out, it's only a gift to those who use it properly. i cant even describe how amazing it's been to serve Him with your absolute best friends. to grow up with the people i've grown up with and have my own sisters included in all of this. add to that a cousin and an adoptive sister. brothers of all kinds, neatly held in a little half-way house. then more recently i gained a little sister that i love to tiniest of bits.

speaking of which, this peter pan and little sister that's so afraid to grow up... man alive! i will either die or be found bawling right next to your old man the day you grow up and get married. my insides will grow 3 sizes then i will fall apart into a million pieces, and left on the ground for the janitor to sweep up. i will hurt 6 kinds of hurt when your innocence is lost with age and time. and any other boy who tries to take it prematurely, i will pummel them 7 times, with a wrath theyve never before experienced. anyone who tries to defile you with nonsense thinking, teaching you awful things of the world or trying to break your spirit, i will break theirs with an earthly completeness. believe you me!

well it's no new thing for me to be talking about how im undeserving. but i look at what we've been through together and it's been absolutely amazing. the fun times we've had remain unmatched and i realize that it will continue on this way, but only for a short time.

aging comes with time, but even the effects of that are regarded as imperfections. i guess we're all in silent agreement that marriages and the pursuit of marriage and all of its baggage are all secondary to our real focus.

which is good. which is how it should stay. which is what we should do.

with that said,
ill try harder not to grow up so fast if everyone promises to do the same.