i love my son so much that i'd rather spend time with him than work on this blog. JK, i'm probably facebooking. JK again! except kind of not JK.

anyway, he woke up last night after sleeping in his crib for 2 hrs (YAY!). ever since we returned from our mainland trip, where he had slept in our bed the full 2 weeks, he never returned to his crib. he used to sleep in it til about 6 in the morning when his dad would go to work, then hop into bed with me. but now, he wakes up and screams when there's no armpit to put his face in. i thought that he'd at least roll around and scream while lying down. but imagine my horror when i turned to my right and saw his face, standing there, crying. like um, weren't you sleeping for a really long time? how is it you have the energy to just stand there crying? i'd be so groggy! you must be a superbaby! anyway, into the bed he comes, face into his daddy's side (yay for me, i get more bed space when he's all up in brad). but the dilemma is that he's a longgg bugger, 20 lbs large, with an incredibly PAINFUL kick, and a head that he throws back and forth as a weapon in his sleep, knocking chins, lips and teeth in his path. and how does he know where my chest and stomach is? there's like a honing device in the heels of his feet that knock the wind out of me. but it's fine, cause when he's peacefully sleeping, he's the most adorable thing in the world. and i curl up around him, pretending that he can still fit in my nook. i pretend that he's still in my belly, and that i'm going to give birth to a 20 lb baby without having any type of consequences of my groin lol. i guess the biggest dilemma about him sleeping in our bed is the SMALLEST bed that the 3 of us share! not even a queen, but a FULL that we decided to keep in order to make room for his mini-crib. i can't even stress to you how prized a possession space is in HI. but, we make it work. and when it's dark out and everyone's sleeping, the streetlight streams into our bedroom and i sometimes think that if i stare hard enough that i'll somehow see him growing, like in those time-lapsed videos of people making crop circles, or flowers blooming, etc. and if i kiss him enough, he'll stop growing for a second. i always wonder if i've given him a million kisses. i think i'm almost there. anyway, my monster's woken up so it's time to play stern mama again.

my baby's growing! i can see it in his pictures.
dfj'aewiporhzdih i still cant get over these guys. how do you even have babies after your first one? i cant even wrap my head around loving another thing as much as this one. but i must. i must have more than one. or else this guy will grow up socially retarded and sucking. it's proven!

he is so cool.

my babyboy is super cool. at first he kind of sucked and i wanted to return him cause he fussed a lot at night. but he must have sensed that i was threatening things in my head, because the next night he was amazing. then the next night he sucked again. then the night after that he was cool again. since then, hes been consistently well-behaved. he doesnt cry unless his dad is changing his clothes, since he doesnt how to take his onesie past his face in one sweeping motion. he fusses a little when his poo doesn't come out at the first push. but other than that you could scream in front of him and he wont wake. he gets poked and prodded at the doctor's and wont cry more than 15 seconds once he's been comforted. i guess there are a bunch of pros to him having stayed in the hospital for 3 weeks.

so he's officially 1 month today. but gestationally he's only 36 weeks. weird, huh? like he's here, healthy, strong...(-unusually- strong), and he shouldnt even be. so technically he's negative 1 month old. anyway, this is him.

perfect.

a thing is "perfect" only in relation to its purpose.

i used to get annoyed at anyone that would throw that word around. and even more annoyed at parents who seemed so biased when they'd watch their child's performance...or speak of their abilities, or even boast about their looks.
but now, even only after 3 days of parenthood, im beginning to understand --
because a thing is perfect, but only in relation to its purpose.

my son,
benjamin royce bungcayao castillo,
is perfect.
if his purpose was to surprise us with his delivery (AND BOY, WAS I SURPRISED)
to be strong despite the odds against him,
to make complete two lives that weren't necessarily incomplete to begin with.



to describe this week would require that i think back at the emotions felt. but to save myself from falling apart, i'd rather focus on the end of the week. i can't help but feel a little bit of guilt for whatever it was that i did or didn't do to make my womb an unstable place to be. and i'm sure that statements as, "oh, he just wanted to meet you sooner!" and the like are said to try and comfort me. but the lingering and most dominating thought is that i can't believe my body for failing to keep my baby safe. i can't believe i had to be under constant supervision because my own body's natural defenses are no longer enough to keep him secure. i can't believe i have no control over this. i can't believe i can't protect him. i can't believe this has happened. i can't believe this is happening. i can't believe he's here.
i was waiting to be the size of a boat, and for my tummy to be so far out there that i could rest a cereal bowl on it. but no. its back to the table for me. i guess i'm thankful that there's no more risk of stretch marks. thanks, palmers.
anyway, the biggest lesson of the week is that because of human imperfection, many things are out of your control. if anything, it's taught me reliance on Jehovah, and to fully look forward to his kingdom to relief from all the dangers and anxieties of this world.

there's so much to love in his 3 lb 12.7 oz body. he's 17 inches of pure AMAZING,
and brad keeps calling him Benjamin Button for every wrinkle he has. but given more time, a steady amount of love, food, and comfort, he'll fill every wrinkle and grow big and strong enough to finally be home with us so his mom can stop crying every time she unlocks her phone and sees his face as her screensaver.

and my husband,

my strength, my rock, my provider. i used to write blogs about how my future man would and should be. but ive never been brought to tears so many times as i was at this week over him. over how grateful i am that he can hold things together, keep me sane, comfort and strengthen me. to be honest, i never thought that i could love anything more than i do brad. but i love him all the more for giving me my son. and i love my son all the more because he's a part of his father. it's all quite confusing when i stop to explain it, but it's not something you explain. it's just something you do.


well this is our first time burping benj. the problem with feeding and being with him is that he gets so comfortable being wrapped up and in your arms that he falls asleep during feedings and burping(s?).

a little late, but...

two of my favorite people, on the day i married my best friend.

UMMM, SAY WHAT YOU WANT ...

because yes, it IS slightly odd that two 23 y.o.'s would own a minivan.
and YES, the looks i get when i drive my car aren't exactly special.. except,
i know that people are thinking i'm borrowing my mom's car.
they just have no idea that the registration, insurance, eberytang, is under me.
i guess that's a bit silly, but so far, it's been the best purchase OF MY LIFE.

because
a) it's white
second, it seats 7-8 comfortably
and lastly, who knows what could happen in 5 years? i could have 5 kids. that is scary, but true.
scarily true.

anyway, hanging out, and going anywhere with 6-7 of your best buddies is pretty much what its all about. it's also good for hospital visits, so that you dont have to pay for the validation on two cars. and long afternoons in field service when we're stretching 5 calls for 3 hours. teehee.

anyway, this is how humongous i am--


teehee see what i did there with my app? i added little cute craps so that maybe instead of being horrified at seeing such a huge (ALBEIT STRETCH MARK-LESS ^-^) tummy, you'd instead smile at the rainbow with blush...or look at the panda bear, brown bear, piggy, and chick(is that a chick? what is that?). i also put some pink squiggles and dots to further distract you. brad took this while i was brushing my teeth, so i put a cookie near my face, because that's probably what i'm brushing away.

i cant wait til i can jumprope again.

k bye guys.

57 year update

so it's been about 57 years since my last update,
so i'm feeling that it's about that time i finally have a seat, and UNLOAD/UPLOAD all of my EVERYTHINGS on the ninnernet. yeah, that feels about right.
yesterday, while washing dishes at work, i had the biggest urge to put something down.
anything.
so that's what this is.

i've lost all my readers, but i'm planning on texting all my (ONE) readers (so really, just READER), to let them know that i've updated lololol.

i think ive been so busy living and growing that i simply havent had the time to do anything besides update a facebook through my iphone. saaadface. that, and the occasional twitter.
EVERYDAY,
JUST LIVING
AND GROWING

i've gained 8 lbs in 20 wks. This is scary, but I'm glad it wasn't 10. ACTUALLY, tomorrow is my OFFICIAL 20th week, and I'm excited. Well, it shouldn't be much different from today, but then i can say that I'm OFFICIALLY 5 months. that is huge. i am huge. well not really, but i feel it. it is so not sexy.

sometimes when i lay on my belly i can feel little movements, and my heart grows again. i still can't believe that there's an amazing little life inside me that i'm going to have to teach. i keep deciding little things everyday, like...
well, if im gonna keep up with my studies im going to have to cut out tv.
i'll try to read to the kid, even if he doesn't know what i'm doing.
we'll have practice meetings, and practice commenting, so he won't be shy.
instead of flashcards of words like DOG and APPLE, i'll do JOB, and GENESIS.
then i think real hard and realize it'll be hard to do things like that. :( :( :( but i'm going to try.
along with a lot of other worries is the worry of pioneering. now that the first trimester is long gone, i can finally brush my teeth without throwing up in the sink. and i can stand a whole day without wanting to crash. and this was the first month in forever that i've been able to really say that i made my time!
with that said, it's funny how sometimes you don't realize that you had lost your joy until you've gotten it back. like, it's weird that you didn't realize that you were getting discouraged by your own setbacks, until youve been encouraged by your accomplishments and those of others. with that said, i'm glad i haven't had the time for a lot of other things. i've finally gotten used to living in a home, with a new mate, in a new congregation, and entirely new circumstances.
and now we're going to have a baby boy.

and ive never been so scared of my life.
not just of my own inadequacies, but just of the entire system we live in, in general. i can't believe i'm bringing a baby into a world that's so messed up. with people who aren't just dumb, but who are actually messed up enough to want to hurt it and others. part of me can't believe that we didn't exercise enough forethought to have known this. or enough self-control to prevent it.

but the other part can't wait to meet it. shake its hand. hug it a couple times. teach him about our Creator, and watch him grow. i want it to be out with me in field service so much, that he prefers his carseat over a playpen at home. and to love meetings and reading and studying so much, that he prefers it over tv or any other recreational activity. i dont think its possible, but if he doesn't know anything else, then im thinking this might work.

im also thinking that this is what a lot of other parents thought before their first kids came along.

anyway, i'm very happy, busy, and all that good stuff.

i can hear brad coming home from school, meaning its dinner time.
good. i was hungry when i first started typing.

i like it!

tumblr edition

"/

in case you didnt know, that thing is a face.

it's been about 27 years since i wrote something on this thing. i've been spending my time on a lot of other nonsense. sadface. life has changed a lot. sadface, but happyface too, y'know? like it's way too much to try to put into words or even attempt to document. the MOST HUGEST thing is that i'm gonna marry my bestest most favoritest person in the world. i've had a lot of favorites, but to marry a favorite is a pretty big thing. well im not lame enough to call him my "bestest most favoritest person," to his face, but he should know it. cause it goes without saying, y'know? ew this is getting sappy. anyway, it's kind of a big deal, right? it's kind of really a huge deal. it's kind of insanely intensely overwhelmingly a big deal. maybe not overwhelming. maybe just whelming.
i wish i could put a bunch of pictures up of all the wonderful times with all of my wonderful friends, but the truth is, there haven't been many. i guess this is what happens when you grow up. the pictures become less frequent, and maybe that's why they're that much more cherished and memorable. because of its scarcity.
my guess is that i'll have more time for this blog after i've gotten completely sick of brad. when im forced to seek refuge with old friends and family. or when i'm in need of a hobby to distract myself from whatever life is going to become.
but not yet. cause i love him a lot still. the kind where it's clear why. the kind where i still do my hair to look nice. and check my pits beforehand to smell nice. or look really closely in the mirror to see if im growing a mustache. and remember to wear clean clothes. and clean my room and general meeting areas when he's coming over. and where i pretend that i know how to cook.
just kidding, im past that. my mustache is growing back and i sometimes forget to wear deodorant. im kind of a slob and im kind of happy that i dont have to hide the fact that sometimes id rather throw clothes on the ground and knock out than spend the time cleaning.
anyway, that's my life right now.
because being with him is so much better than not being with him. ugh. it's so lame, i love it.

Kauai: A Pumpkin Story